Tating while impaired or Gee golly, those pink lizards in tap shoes are so CUTE!

So before I start this little tate, I feel I should fill in all of my readers who don't follow me on Facebook. (If you don't actually follow me then SHAME ON YOU!!!!) If I don't, what follows will prolly make even less sense than most of my blogs.

So yesterday morning, I was awakened from my slumber by a twenty foot tall lumberjack pounding the left side of my face with a fifty pound sledgehammer. (Don't ask why a Lumberjack was using a hammer instead of an ax, you'll just confuse me.) Like any true red blooded macho American male, I cried like a little baby and called my wife for help. Somehow, even though she was literally in another state (Wait, does DC count as another state? That one always confused me.) she manages, at 0800 hours, to find me a dentist that will see me immediately AND even manages to arrange payment over the phone since I had no funds.

When I get to the dentist (Ever tried riding a motorcycle with a blinding toothache? It is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.) they check me out and determine that I have a MASSIVE infection in one of my teeth and it had spread to two other teeth that had shattered long long ago when they first came in. (Both were wisdom teeth btw. More on that in a second.) So these wonderful people (They are now our new dentists because they are so awesome!), arrange for me to see an oral surgeon immediately (Keep in mind it is still like 0830 hours). Thanks to my amazing wife and Mother in law, we manage to find the funds to pay for the surgery and less than half an hour later and more local anesthetic (I actually spelled that word right the first time. I am shocked.) than most people see in a lifetime, the full tooth and two shattered wisdom teeth were gone.

(Okay as promised, a quick aside. When my wisdom teeth came in, two came in perfectly with no need to see a dentist like many people suffer through. The other two, one of the left top and one on the left bottom) came in hollow for some reason and shattered immediately afterwards. This was when I was like 19 or 20. The shattered remnants never gave me any trouble so I never even thought about them much after that. That is until they became ravaged by a nasty infection. Boy did I notice them then. Anyho moving on.)

Now that we have established prezactly why I am running around the house looped on very strong narcotics. (The surgeon prescribed both a narcotic painkiller and the usual 800mg Motrin with Codeine because he cheerfully informed me that because two of the removed teeth were wisdom teeth the pain I would be feeling the first week would be more than the 800mg Motrin could handle. Day 2 and I can assure you that he was RIGHT!) As a little bit more background to myself and addictive substances, let me also tell you that I have never been the least bit attracted to mind altering substances. My only real experience with such stuff was my senior year in high school when I decided that I should get drunk at least once, just to see what the fuss was about. I got knee walking, commode hugging blind as a blind bat drunk on graduation night and woke up two days later. My friends informed me that I had attempted to swim the Conecuh River...lengthwise. I decided on that day that I did enough truly and monumentally stupid stuff (If you ask nicely, I'll do a blog with a listing of the top ten.) when I was sober and unimpaired so if I wanted to live a nice long life, I should avoid intoxication.

Okay enough background filler crap, on to the actual blog!

Ok so day two of some serious narcotic painkiller after having three infected teeth remove or SSNPKAHTITR for short. (Doesn't it just roll of the tongue?) First observation I have is simply a reinforcement of my lack of understanding of why being stoned or drunk is such an attraction to some people. Whereas I am mostly lucid, I can tell how impaired I am when I walk, talk and especially type. It takes much longer than usual for lucid thoughts to form and even longer for me to expresss them. (My friends and family may now make any appropriate or inappropriate jibes they want about me and lucidity.) I just fail to see how this sort of existence could be an attraction to anyone. Of course, while my life has been hard more often then not, I have suffered few real traumas (Besides seeing Ben nekkid that is. SHUDDER) so it may be just that I have much less to escape from.

Observation the second is more of a technical nature. Anyone who has known me for more than say 30 seconds will tell you that I am not exactly the most graceful of creatures. I am the guy who can and has tripped over someone else's shadow...from a mile away. If I had a dollar for everytime I have fallen down the stairs, I'd could afford Starbucks. The only thing that I can do fairly well and quickly is type. So imagine a schmuck who has zero balance and zero dexterity suddenly trying to go through life with a drug that completely EFFS with your body. Coming down the stairs suddenly goes from a slow process because of bad knees to a “Ok, the stairs are currently rotating clockwise at a speed of 5mph and the house is rotating counterclockwise at a speed of 9.5 km, so my upper body should lean left and my lower body should lean right for the first five steps, then reverse for the next ten process. (Spoiler, I survived coming down the stairs this morning.) Don't even ask about getting from the bottom of the stairs to my office.)

So really all this experience has done is reinforce my dislike of mind altering substances and my extreme love of my wonderful wife. I make no disparaging remarks about people who enjoy their MAS (Waves at Ben Baker) and certainly mean no ill words against anyone who is suffering from addictions to said MAS. Who knows, since I will be on the narcotics for three more days, I may come to see the attraction, but I doubt it. Still, I will continue to blog about the Tales of a Stoned Tater as I see fit and hopefully y'all will be entertained. Till tomorrow, PEACE OUT!