SIOTBAA, The Tinfoil Hat Edition or OH NOSE, OBAMA'S COMING TO TAKE MY GUNS

 So the Wife Unit asked that I travel to the fabled land of Starbucks and bring her back an offering of the new Double Double Fudge (So good they named it twice...their bad joke not mine.) Frappuccino. As is my wont, I listened to NPR on the way there and back again and as I returned to the vehicle after successfully capturing the DDFF, this gentleman was speaking. He preached loud and long about the coming New World Order and how Obama and his Muslim masters were hard at work getting America ready for takeover.

He went into great detail about how Obama's minions had been secretly implanting US citizens with computer chips for years to that the Government could use its infernal technology to track our every movement using the GPS signals embedded in the chips. He also pointed out that all of the military “training exercises” seen recently were all part of the top secret plan to install Martial Law and start putting US Citizens into FEMA extermination camps. Folks, in the 10 short minutes I listened to this guy, he hit on pretty much every single conspiracy theory out there and even mentioned a few that I had never heard of. For the sake of brevity and (Truthfully) the lack of any real interest on my part, I will only cover two of the many, many “theories” this gentleman had.

First, the tired old saw about some secret Gubbermint force using teensy little drones to inject undetectable GPS tracking chips into your body so your every action can be tracked. The most obvious problem for this idea is that the technology for this simply doesn't exist. Whereas companies are experimenting with very cool micro drones that mimic animals and insects, they are far from being unnoticeable so if one was buzzing around your body, you'd be going “WTF is that thing?” And although RFID chips do exist (My dog has one for gosh sakes), they don't broadcast secret radio messages over any real distance and certainly cannot be detected from a satellite in orbit. When the Vet checks my dog's chip, they have to use a handheld scanner pressed directly against the pups skin.

The second problem with this idea is “Why would the government bother?” Do you have a cell phone? Tablet? Dashboard GPS? If you answered yes to any of these questions then the government could easily track your every move without the need of implants or micro drones. You are already giving the government everything it needs to follow you from the grocery store to Pappy's Pop A Top Strip Bar and Cathedral. So, you can either panic and smash all of your cool toys or just let this one go. Okay?

Now, moving on to the New World Order and Obama's Secret Muslim Agenda (Hence to be known as NWO and OSMA) and the threat these two forces pose to the world. Since I believe in brevity (Stop laughing. I do believe in being brief. I also believe in fairies and Big Foot.), I will cover the threat posed with just a single word. NONE!

I listen to people talk about the coming NWO and how all of the governments of the world will unite under one charismatic leader and lead the world to its doom in eternal heckfire and I only have one thought. “Have any of you actually taken a look at the world you live in?” I mean seriously, nobody actually likes or trusts anyone. Allies don't like Allies and Enemies certainly don't like enemies so the very idea of all of these fractious groups suddenly uniting under one global banner to lead the way to the Alpacalypse is a little hard to believe.

Part of the NWO's plan (supposedly) is that OSMA will use its military might to conquer the US and put all of its people under the iron thumb of Sharia Law (Which is not the same as Shania Law because one will make you give up bacon and booze and the other will make you listen to Country Music all day while driving trucks...most people will not get that joke. Oh well, moving on.)

Now imagine this if you can without your headparts blowing up. Supposedly a man who is hated by a large number of people while use the military might of the US to conquer the country and install the OSMA. If we are to believe the Right Wingnuts (Keep in mind that I believe in unicorns and gnomes), the vast majority of the US Military Complex truly hates Obama and no American would ever fight for Sharia Law, so I cannot even conceive how a hated POTUS would convince the military to overthrow the US Government AND impose Sharia law. Maybe if they offer free kittens and Ice Cream too?

So I am no great thinker. I generally use my headparts to keep my hat on and not much else. Maybe I missed something? Perhaps you, my dear readers, can explain it all too me. I mean, if the threat is real, I want to be ready to battle the NWO/OSMA (Well unless they have kittens and ice cream, then I am all over that.) when the time comes. So if you can, please tell me the hidden truth behind the seemingly insane rantings. I eagerly await your instructions.

End of Rant

The Oh So Difficult and Rough Life of an Author.

     As I have mentioned before, I have been tossing out wordage since I was 16 years old and sold my first article for the grand sum of $35.00.  (Don't laugh, to a 16 year old in in 1979 in LA (Lower Alabama, 35 bucks waa a boatload of money.  At the time I got $5.00 a week in allowance to put things in perspective.)  I realized that crazy people would pay me me money for the drivel than ran through my head and I never looked back.
     So because of this decade long perspective, I can look at some of the ideas people have about the life of an Author and just shake my head.  (Paues and takes a drink from his ice cold energy drink.)  You seem to think that is is all fun and games with lots of sitting and goofing off or going to conventions to meet other authors and stars while...sitting and goofing off.  (Pauses and watches a bird fly byin the cool evening air.)  Well let me tell you that all of those things are very far from the truth.
    First of all, I have an actual job that is very demanding that takes up a great deal of my time.  I work at a fairly famous pizza place (You prolly remember commercials about avoiding something if you're OLD!) as a Delivery Driver/Assistant Manager.  This highly demanding job requires me to spend 15 to 20 hours a week riding around in my car, drinking and snacking while occassionally walking short distances to give people food.  It is a very difficult job and there are some weeks I am not sure if I can make it through the day.  I usually have to be at this arduous job by about 1730 hours so that means I must wake up no later than 1200 hours to get ready for work.  (And play World of Warcraft and watch Netflix and listen to music while playing WOW or watching Netflix.)
     On those rare days (Generally 3 or four) when I am off work,  I have so much to do around the house and in the garden that I must be out of bed at the crack of Noon to make sure that i have enogh time in the day to get everything done.  Then my day generally consists of eating lunch, preparing dinner and...well playing World of Warcraft and watching Netflix.
     Now after realizing how long and difficult my days are, you can well understand how difficult t is to find time to actually get any writing done.  I have to struggle with my oh so busy day to find the time to sit down in my comfy desk chair or even worse, sit outside in my even more comfy deck chair under the shade of my oversized deck umbrella with nice cool breezes blowing around me while sipping ice cold energy drinks.  It is a wonder I ever get anything done.  Still, I soldier on and manage.
     So the next time you are sitting at your desk after getting up at 0400 to get to work so that you can be badgered by people you don't even like about things you really don't care about, think of me and feel better about your lives.  Think of me struggling to stay awake in the warm Spring air and realize things cold get much worse.  (Finishes energy drink and ponders getting out of chair to get another, but decides the kitchen is much too far.)  PITY ME!

End of Rant