Zamboni Alpacalips Day 8 or Its The End Of The World As We Know It.

Now, this may come as a surprise to a lot of you. (Well, the ones who don't read or have been living under a rock for the past few years.) I genuinely hate Donald Trump. Now in my defense, I hated him long before he became president. I have also hated pretty much every POTUS we have had for a very long time. I don't like Trump. I didn't like Obama. I truly despised Bush the Sequel. I liked Clinton only because he was somewhat amusing and played the Saxophone. I found Bush the Original mildly tolerable. The previous POTUSES (POTI? POTUSIES?) pretty much blur together, but I am pretty sure I wasn't fond of them either. However, after explaining all of that in my own long-winded manner, let me restate that I TRULY HATE DONALD TRUMP!
     Why do I hate Hair Furrer, you may ask? (And I hope you asked because if you didn't, I am talking to myself again.) It's not because of his political ineptness. It is not because of his lying and pandering to his mentally challenged followers. It is not because he is obviously using his office to further his own riches. He is a politician, after all, so all of this is as normal as me eating BBQ. No, the reason I despise this man is simple. HE'S A FREAKING MORON!
     Anyone who listens to this man speak on any occasion should understand that his mental capacity is slightly less than a garden slug on crack. He is incapable of forming more than one coherent sentence in any given speech, and his mind wanders more than a cat chasing butterflies, When he speaks, its an embarrassment to the nation and the world. Oh yeah, I could add that his bad hairpiece and even worse fake tan hurt my feelings, but that would probably be a bit petty.
     Donald Trump is the current symbol of everything that is wrong with our electoral/political structure. Here is a man who should never have been taken seriously. If he hadn't been a billionaire/TV personality, the first time he spoke after announcing his candidacy would have destroyed his chances. But because we have turned our elections into multi-billion dollar popularity contests, the man with the loudest and most colorful personality won and people cheered.
     Until we stop this moronic farce that we allowed our government to become, it is only going to get worse. Trump is a symptom of the overall disease and isn't even patient zero. He is just the current culmination of all the stupid that came before. We need to stop electing people we like who promise us all the things we want and start electing the assholes who will actually work to fix all of the problems that previous stupid has caused. Until we do that, we are going to keep getting Trumped.

End of Rant

Zamboni Alpacalips, Day 7 or ITS A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU!

Any time any disaster occurs, there will always be those gifted souls who automatically see sinister forces at work in the background. Its human nature to try and assign some sort of guiding force to disasters to make the horrors less random. The most overwhelming tragedy that has occurred to the US to date, 911, sparked dozens of different conspiracies that are still running rampant even today. So it is only...natural that the Co-vid 19 outbreak has spawned many of its own plots.
(OK, quick side note here. Calling something a conspiracy is not necessarily the same thing as saying its wrong. A conspiracy can be very real. Not all plots are like the shaggy dude in his bathrobe on a street corner, waving his "Bigfoot stole my wife" sign. Having said that, most of the conspiracies running around right now are pretty close to that level.)
Anyhow, onward, and downward!
So why do people cling to outrageous and often impossible "Conspiracy Theories?" Like people who still swear to high heaven that jets did NOT crash into the trade centers even though hundreds of people watched it in person and 1000s more through videos, both professional and amateur. (Note that I am not attacking the "Gubbermint blew em up" or the "jets were not flown by terrorists" crowds, just the "jets didn't fly into the buildings" nutters because ample evidence proves they are full of crap.) Why do seemingly intelligent people desperately cling to these ideas?
I think part of it is that the human-animal likes order. We invented the concept of weeks and months and hours just to make our days and years seem a little tidier. We even went further and created clocks and calendars to help us keep track of those made-up ideas. We went even FURTHER and invented the Leap Year when the first inventions weren't quite orderly enough. We love to assign meaning to the most minute aspects of our lives.
When things like Co-vid 19 or 911 occur that we weren't anticipating, our nice illusion of order and symmetry totally vanishes. Our order deprived minds desperately lash out and latch on to anything that might help us restore some sense of order. Terrorists infiltrate the "Mightiest nation in the world and kill 1000s?" Had to be some grand secret attack by shadow forces in the government. It's just the way we are wired.
The human animal hates randomness. All of the organizations we have developed over the eras like Religions and Governments and Television Series have all been to instill order into the chaos. The problem is that the world doesn't give a flying fig about our need for order or at least our idea of order. We will keep trying to assign blame, and the universe will just soldier on until the next disaster happens.

Zamboni Alpacalips: Day Two or I'M SO LONELY!

     I begin Day 2 of my exile in my reinforced cardboard, and string bunker hid somewhere deep within the wild unexplored reaches of Washington, DC. I am forced to ponder how pretty much anyone born before the age of the Interwebz and social media feels when they hear anyone under the age of 30 complain about isolation. I mean, I know how I feel when I listen to it, and my feelings aren't exactly kind.
     To properly frame this rant, ponder the image of your standard 20 something. Forced to stay in homes for days and days on end. Their only solace is...the internet...Facebook...smart-phone...Skype...Twitter and a baker's dozen more ways to speak to their friends and family. Now add to this the fact that most have cable/satellite tv and access to pretty much the entire history of entertainment. Hells, some services like Amazon, have actually started offering movies that are currently in the theaters.
     Now, I am not (for the most part) mocking these youngsters for feeling isolated. It doesn't make their feelings any less valid just because my mind boggles and struggles to reboot every time I hear them speak. I am forced to wonder how they would deal with true isolation if the current situation drives them so close to bonkers.
     I won't say how old I am. Elvis was still skinny, and Sean Connery still had a full head of hair when I was forced into this world. Doctor Who premiered right around my emergence, and Star Trek was still many years in the future. I was born about 15 miles away from a town so small it's still not on most maps, and our closest neighbors lived 4 miles away. The nearest sizable town was 9 miles away, and the nearest real city was 56 miles away.
     I give you these tidbits to provide you with an idea about how isolated we were even in the best of times. My two best friends (Mostly by default because they were the only two kids my age within 8 miles) lived a mile and a half and 3 miles away. Going to see them and "hanging out" wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Between working on the farm and school (8 hours in school plus an hour and a half bus ride to and from), the only time we really had to play was on the weekends.
     During the winter, which even in Alabama can get nasty, we might spend days or even a week or more and not see anyone besides the family. We certainly couldn't log onto the internet and Snapchat or Zoom (Man I should get monies for all of these product mentions) with our besties to pass the time. The only reading materials in the house were Momma's bible and week-old copies of the Messenger that Daddy got from his boss. Still, somehow we managed to live together without going too crazy and killing each other.
     I really don't mean this rant as some sort of insult or even real mockery. I lived in a house with no running water and no electricity for the first 6 years of my life, but I would still probably lose my freaking mind if I missed the Interwebz. I'm an extrovert who really hates most people, but I would always wind up fruitier than a nutcake if I were forced to exist with only my sterling personality for weeks on end.
     I guess what I am trying to say is this. Stay strong, and stay calm. Chat with your family on your phones. Keep in contact with your friends on Facebook. Visit with someone and brighten their day via Skype. All of this will end sooner or later, and we will recover. We weren't defeated by Disco or Skinny Jeans, so we won't be beaten by a virus named after a really crappy beer.

Oh, oh, oh...my Corona or Zamboni Alpacalips: Day One

Before I start this rant, let me state that it is difficult for me to make my usual jokes and snipes. I have been battling Diabetes for over 10 years and suffer from a severely compromised immune system. Seeing the sheer stupidity of our so-called leaders in Washington and various idiots around the nation honestly pisses me off. I hear the lies and sheer idiocy coming out of Trump's mouth, and I get angry. I see morons refusing to heed the shelter in place orders and holding massive gatherings, and I get mad. I see the number of infected growing every day and I genuinely get worried. Despite all of this, I see a lot of people doing everything they can on You-tube and other social platforms to encourage and entertain everyone. I see famous people going above and beyond the call of duty to help as much as they can. So, I am inspired. Okay, enough of all the touchy-feely emotional crap, on with the rant!

Oh, oh oh...my Corona

or

Zamboni Alpacalips: Day One

     I sit here in my cardboard reinforced bunker hidden somewhere in the wilds of unexplored Washington, DC, and ponder how much longer we have before civilization is completely destroyed. I glace worryingly at my 20 Assault Can openers with the mere 2000 cans of ammo and wonder how I will defend myself once the starving hordes discover my location. I count the two cargo trailers filled with toilet paper to try and calculate how long I have before I have to scrounge for moss and soft leaves. I fear for the day when the 22 pallets of Dark Roast coffee I have hidden away runs out, and I am forced to live without caffeine.
     I grew up in the woods, you see. My Daddy, my Momma, the dogs, and me. (All nods to Hank Jr.) I survived that last major apocalypse this nation suffered. Yes, I am speaking of the 70s and Disco. So, this ain't my first rodeo when it comes to the End of the World. However, this is the first disaster where large numbers of people are doing everything they can to make everything worse. People in positions of power are encouraging crowds to gather. Others are spreading the lie that this disaster is all some sort of hoax. The so-called President of the United States seems to be more concerned with making money than he is the health of his people.
     As much as I am angered by the stupidity and callousness of these people, I am not discouraged. As much as it scares me to see how easily these idiots are making things worse, I am not discouraged. As much as it hurts my headparts every time Hair Furrer gives one of his "briefings," I am not hopeless. Because no matter how many of these morons I see, I see just as many if not more people are doing everything they can to make things better.
     Hit You-Tube or any social media site, and you will see hundreds of videos posted by people. These videos range from entertainment like music to how-to videos on ways to make isolation easier. Stars like Sir Patrick Stewart are taking time to read just to try and help. A large number of people are trying to make things better for everyone. This is what encourages me and gives me hope that we can all get through this.
      So to try and do my small part, I am starting a brand new series of rants. I will post one new one every day. My goal is not to be my usual asshole self. Instead, my snipes and barbs will be aimed at amusing and entertaining every one of my readers. (All five of you. You know you are) Not promising that every rant will be a gem, but hopefully, y'all will at least be distracted.
Keep safe, keep happy, and at least keep marginally sane. We will get through this.
End of Rant