SAY IT AIN'T SO, MYRTLE!
Whelp folks, that's it. The party is quite literally over so
everyone should just pack up and head home. Put down your corn chips
and tater chips cause there ain't no use in having them in your hand
any more. The urge to double dip will go unfulfilled and the caution
against dripping hot, gooey cheese substitute onto your chin is no
longer needed. In short, it is the end of the world as we know it.
Get ready for the imminent Zombie Alpaca-Lips to sweep across the
world.
Now, it bad enough that scientists are predicting a shortage of
coffee beans in the years to come and even badder enough that they
are also predicting a similar shortage of cocoa beans. (Recently
gave up coffee and I am a Diabetic so chocolate doesn't have nearly
the hold on me that it used to.) Now, the maker of all things yummy
and also coincidentally all things bad for you, Kraft has announced
that there may be a potential shortage of the one food...ish product
that helps bind together various cultures and disparate believes.
(You know like Football V Baseball fans, Soccer V Hockey Fans etc)
into one unified, creamy melty group. Velveeta may soon be hard to
come by just as the official Cheesy Goodness Season starts.
| Well they said Merrica is the great melting pot. |
Yes, yes I hear all of you running around screaming like little girls
who's Teddy Bear was set fire by your evil half brother. I
understand your fears. I mean how can we possibly live without easy
access to that tummy filling, artery clogging pseudo cheese product
which has become a staple of our sports induced diet? The food
byproduct that has filled more emergency rooms than Al Capone and
Genghis Khan put together. (Wait did they have emergency rooms back
then?) Life without this greasy, gooey goodness just doesn't seem
worth living.
But take heart, Cheese Believers! There is some suspicions that
perhaps this is simply some EVIL plot by Kraft to make people think
there is a shortage of this much needed food stuff to increase their
sales during this peak time of Velveeta Usage or as I like to cal it
Velveetage. The mind boggles over the idea that any group could be
so harsh and so cruel as to make the High Cholesterol Crowd think
that they might be unable to get their fix. If such a thing is true
it could rival the dreaded Nutella Outtage in 1985 where literally
hundreds of adults were driven insane when their kids no longer got
the 35 grams of processed sugar they so desperately needed for
breakfast.
Well, have no fear. We here at SIOTBAA Inc have set our best
reporters investigating this cover up. Reporters Woodshed and
Beerstein (Its a historical joke, look it up.) aided by my crack
photographer Ben the Hog Baker will do a full investigation and find
out the truth behind this terrifying news story. We will bring you
further results as we get them. (Or until I make something
completely up that sounds funny.) Stay tuned!
End of Rant
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